This weekend I was with a group of very close women. We meet every month (for 9 or 10 yrs). I was excitedly sharing my new “plan” and how this time it will be different and what I’ve learned,
etc. Now they think what I’ve been doing is absolutely crazy and I will just rebound again, especially since I did after Jan. I was shocked, and hurt…because I think I’m so congruent this time. Now I did not share in the several pies (or any of the group food actually), and a couple of them are very large so even at my fattest, they didn’t understand why I wouldn’t just ‘accept’ myself.

I was really astonished at how deeply this impacted me, although in their defense, over the last 9 yrs, they have seen me go through every thing out there, complete with slow reductions and then fast gains. I did write them an email about how I felt. My 13yo daughter
offered me feedback that I was being too vague and I needed to be more direct. (She’s brilliant, and we proceeded to have a beautiful 2 hr talk about life and body image and health & boys, etc) I did, and I felt much better and thought I was letting it go. However, I slept quite fitfully, then the day after, Monday…was the very first day I have struggled with food! I wanted everything in sight or rather in thought! I am fully committed to myself, so I didn’t, but it felt heart wrenching. How could I possibly allow someone else’s personal stuff to impact my focus, my desire….my success! Let’s just say I have been experiencing an abundance of emotions!

Each time a new “desire” came up, I wrote about it, attempting to talk myself back into a better feeling place….which made me quite unavailable to my kids most of the day. We did take the dogs for a walk. Afterwards I thought that was a stupid idea because it was so HOT outside. But I did feel better after coaching my son’s baseball team in the evening. All I have to say is thank goodness I was busy and moving.

The one person I felt the most negativity from has not responded , (addition, she did respond and said she does NOT support me because she thinks I’m abusing my body with another fad diet!) and when one person in particular responded to my email I actually got all teary-eyed. I was not even aware I wanted that approval. I was actually shocked!

But doesn’t it all boil down to that? Approval…who do we want it from? Why does that matter? Who does that person remind of us? Or who do they represent to us? What family history does that bring up for us?

I do know that for permanent changes the deeper emotional layers must be cleansed/released. I’ve been working on myself for years and each time I thought I had it! I patiently continue to peel it away (and I’m not that messed up…I’d say my level of dysfunction is the most normal thing about me).

The key is when do we approve of ourselves? When is my approval all that matters? Approving of myself leads to accepting myself which leads to balance.
And balance really is the ultimate goal.
With balance both food and exercise WORK. They will be just right.
They will be part of our lives but not dominating our lives.

I say I am committed and I feel I am committed. Time to be more specific:
I am committed to myself, to my health.
I am committed to feeling good and to focusing on good.
I am committed to progress and focusing on now, not yesterday or yesteryear.
I am committed to being present; this means conscious eating, eating with purpose and clear intention.
I am committed to feeling good in my body; this means loving affirmations and loving movements.
I am committed to self exploration, especially if I find I have a “charge” over something/anything.
I am committed to nourishing my soul.
I am committed to honouring my desires and my commitments.

I release the desire to fix others, to heal others.
I release the desire to make myself less for others to feel more.
I release the pattern to hide myself so someone else might shine.

I fully accept that I am important, that my desires are important, that I know what I want and
I fully accept that I deserve what I want and I can have it, fully and completely.
I accept that I get to dream big by having the small body I really want.
I and I alone have stopped myself in the past, and I and I alone am creating my now and my future.

This is my moment.
This is the moment….balance, alignment, congruence…allowing, acceptance, openness.
This moment is great and each gets greater and greater.
My body and I are friends, partners.
We work together, we share, we play, we move, we laugh….we come together…..
we are one…in harmony, in balance and with trust.
I trust my body, I trust me.
TRUST! YES!! TRUST…time to Trust….I can do this, I am doing this, it is happening.
I trust, I feel, I believe.
Joy, happiness, ecstatic glee…… YES!

I feel good, I feel proud of myself. I am at peace with my body, with myself.
I deserve all good things.
I am grateful for my journey, for it all plays into this moment.
I feel deep gratitude in general and for hundreds of specifics.
I feel nourished and full, by ME, by my commitment to myself and trust of myself.

Now, I am a good role model for my daughter.

What about you?
How do you move to the next level for yourself?
What holds you back? What compels you forward?
What want/desire is stronger than ANYTHING else?